


More Monster Within

by castielsstarr



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 04:42:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6224341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castielsstarr/pseuds/castielsstarr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Benny comes back from Purgatory, but doesn't open up about it to Samandriel. He needs to know what happened if he's going to help Benny get past what he's going through. It upsets Samandriel more than it helps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Monster Within

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, you can blame anything I write on thedropoutandthejunkie.

For days, weeks, Benny wouldn’t talk about it. He acted the same as before he got stuck in Purgatory, albeit a bit more skittish. There were a few times that Samandriel moved a bit too quickly and he visibly flinched. Benny wasn’t quick to anger, though. He didn’t lash out at Samandriel for any reason. He was loving and caring the same as he had always been. That didn’t mean that nothing was wrong.

Samandriel wasn’t stupid. He knew something had happened, Benny just wasn’t being forthcoming about it. Maybe he didn’t want to upset the angel—thought he was too fragile to handle it—but it upset him more not knowing. If something was going on in Benny’s head, he wanted to be able to help.

That’s how the conversation started that night. Samandriel picked his head up from where it was resting on Benny’s upper thigh and sat to face him, cross-legged on the couch. He didn’t say anything for a long time, trying to gather the words. The mile-long stare wasn’t focused on Benny, just aimed in his general direction.

“ _Cher_?” Benny asked softly after a while. The angel looked ready to spook if he spoke too loud. Samandriel’s eyes snapped focused quicker than he’d seen even a vampire accomplish and it almost unnerved Benny. 

“We need to talk about it.”

“Talk abou’ wha’?”

“Purgatory, Benny. I need to know. You need to tell me… I just need to hear it from you.”

Benny shook his head almost immediately. “We already talked about this. I’m fine.” Crisp words that commanding respect, but Samandriel wasn’t having it.

“You aren’t and I want you to stop hiding it from me. If you tell me what happened, maybe we can work through it together. I can help you.”

“Mandy, you’re just having a touch of guilt ‘cause you can’t heal my head the way you can my body.”

He fell silent, not knowing what to counter with. Benny was spot on, but he couldn’t just fold because of that. His tone was precise and slow when he spoke again. “I _need_ to know. I need you to tell me what it is that my father created.”

Sadness and pity took Benny’s face and he shook his head again. “Tha’s why I can’t tell ya. Your blind trust, your faith…” He put both large hands on Samandriel’s rounded cheeks. If only telling him would actually soothe that hurt look. “That’s important t’ who ya are. I love that you love your father and I can’t be the one t’ take that away.”

“You’re more important than my father!” Samandriel blurted out and then stilled, mouth still gaping. They’d said “I love you” before, sure, but this wasn’t the same. He tried one last time, his voice shaking, almost willing to admit defeat. “Please… Benny.”

“It’s only going to upset you.”

“Then let it.”

He sighed before turning more to face the slender angel, but he didn’t speak. Just watched as his lover picked silently at the skin around his fingernails—a nervous tell that he’d always had. Benny didn’t want to open his mouth. Didn’t want the words to come out, to hurt his lover in a way they both knew it was going to.

“Say something, please,” Samandriel said, voice heartbreakingly small.

That was when the words fell and he couldn’t stop it anymore. He kept his eyes focused on Samandriel’s hands knowing that when he looked up again, the poor angel was going to be a mess. “Purgatory was horrible. They tell you Hell’s the worst place you can end up, but it ain't. In Hell, you’ve at least got a chance at being stuck in somewhere by yourself to rot. Purgatory? Everyone’s all in the same cell. Those same damn woods. I tried to get out of them at one point. Started in one direction and kept going ‘til I was gonna find whatever else was there. There never was anythin’ else, though. Just kept goin’.

“Everyone there is trying to kill you and it don’t matter if they’re your kind or not. You don’t get to sleep, ‘cause if you sleep, you’re dead. You stop running, you’re dead. You can’t catch your breath and, most of the time—” He shook his head, wrinkled his nose. “—don’t want to. The stench of all those bodies rotting—ones you mighta killed—it’s offensive. But it was you or them, so it was necessary.

“There’s no sense of right an’ wrong down there, and that was hard to come t’ terms with. Even aside from the killin’...” It was bad enough that Benny was telling him all of this; the least he could do is leave out some of the more graphic details. It hadn’t happened to him and he hadn’t done it, either, making it an acceptable part to skim over. “Ya find out there’s more monster hidden within the monsters.”

That was all he could share for now. If Samandriel had questions, they could talk later, but just opening up about what he had was exhausting. The hands he was looking at had stilled, knuckles white, gripped tight around each other. Samandriel was still quiet.

The angel had his eyes screwed shut and a thin line of blood trailed from his lip when Benny looked up. His teeth were dug so far in he had bitten clean through the skin and his everything—shoulders, arms, head—was shaking. The rippling in the air was visible where the surge of emotion let his wings begin to show. Benny hadn’t wanted to tell him—wanted to spare him this. “ _Cher_ , honey—”

An ugly, guttural sob ripped from Samandriel’s chest as the tears flowed freely down cheeks reddened from holding the sound in. His own hands pawed clumsily at his face, trying to wipe the wetness away, only for it to be replaced. With chest hitching and more of those broken noises falling out, he opened his eyes and looked at Benny, finally. 

The way the little angel looked at him made Benny want to be violently ill all over the carpet. It was betrayal, sadness, rage—just absolute devastation. What was worse, was he didn’t know whether it was at what happened to him or at him directly. He didn’t know if he was allowed to touch, to comfort, his lover, his angel.

All he could do was hold his hands out to Samandriel without touching him, his arms open. Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long before the tiny man was pushing him back against the couch, falling full-weight into his arms. He was still sobbing heavily, tears soaking into the collar of his shirt, and Benny just let him cry.

“How could he do this to you? How could he make something so horrendous? My father… I can’t.”

“Shh, I don’t know, sweetheart.” Benny kissed his hair repeatedly, never wanting to let his lips leave the angel for long. “But I’m ok. I got out. I’m home and I ain’t goin’ anywhere.”

He heard the rustle of materialized feathers as he closed his eyes and hummed his angel to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Come hang out with me on Tumblr, I promise I don't bite:  
> SPN NSFW Multi-ship sideblog: [wingedwincest.tumblr.com](http://www.wingedwincest.tumblr.com)  
> Main blog: [castielsstarr.tumblr.com](http://www.castielsstarr.tumblr.com)


End file.
